Anniversaries, Resignations and a Bad Joke Book

FOREWORD

When I came upon this wordfile, it was titled “Abandonment” which is fitting as that is what it is about and that is what became of it. I started work on it in the Spring and never finished it. It’s still basically unfinished, as what follows was meant as a creativity dump; a bunch of unfinished humorous premises in various stages of completion.

It has been one full year since my last blog post. I just don’t write enough. Which is too bad, as I enjoy it. Or perhaps I just enjoy the pomposity of it. I guess I just haven’t had much to say of late. If ever..

I’ll attempt to clean it up and edit it before publishing, but knowing me I’ll publish and then edit it and then re-publish it over and over, dozens of times until I’m happy with it. And by “happy with it” I of course mean “finally sick of trying and abandon it slightly less unfinished than it was before.”

Also, please don’t steal any of my “material.” If you do, I will find you and I will kill you. I don’t understand the concept of reasonable reaction and tend to take things too far. Theft of intellectual property, in my estimation, is punishable by swift death.

PREFACE

Most shift work in the United States affords employees one 15 minute break for every 4 hours worked. Or is it 2? I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. Or The Doctor, who would know more about time than me..

The point is, my job is unique in that it sets aside the last 15 minutes of each day as a 3rd break. Since sometimes the job requires us to get filthy or work out in the cold, we need extra time to clean up or change clothes before clocking out. And it’s cheaper to shut down production for 15 minutes a day than it is to pay 30 employees 2+ hours of overtime every week.

In reality, that time is generally spent sitting in the break room doing nothing. Therefore, finding ways to kill time becomes necessary.

Some people read. Some nap. Some shoot the shit. I got into the habit of sending bizarre text messages to virtually everyone in my phone for the sole purpose of getting a rise out of people.

It was fun. Most folks would get a kick out of it. Some would text back asking if I was drunk or wondering how I got their number. In the end, as with all creepy unsolicited correspondence, people stop responding. They stop caring..

A new outlet for my now burgeoning addiction of mass-marketed annoyance was necessary. Enter Twitter. Twitter is a great outlet for this medium (tedium?) of pestering. It gives the artist unlimited canvas (withheld to 140 characters at a time) while also allowing the target to choose when (or whether) they wish to receive your incomprehensible psychobabble.

Twitter is fun. You launch your yatter into the ether and are sometimes rewarded for its creativity. Mostly you’re ignored by a cold, noncompliant populace concerned only with its own glory. Anything your pitiful mind is wont to muster is of no concern to this indifferent leviathan.

It’s quite like the real world, only in digital form.

Still, it could be endlessly entertaining and challenging. Instead of sending a single stupid text each day, I could come up with multiple stupid tweets! And I got pretty good at it. People said I should be a comedian. People said I should be a writer. People said I was good at something for once in my life.

Then, after a few years, it all stopped. I don’t know which part of my brain responsible for this peculiar skill stopped working properly, but it did. Likely out of spite.

First I thought it was ordinary, run-of-the-mill writer’s block. Comedian Joey Diaz once said the best way to get over writer’s block is to “get inspired.” That was great advice. I watched and listened to more comedy. I went to some local stand-up shows. I started reading more. And it kinda worked.. for a little while. Eventually it stopped for good.

I wonder if I had just stopped being funny or if I ever was. Friends who had goaded me into compiling the best of my tweets/status updates/arrogance capsules had me convinced I had something. So, in lieu of creating new bullshit, I spent several months going through my old tweets and copy/pasting them into a text file. A veritable Greatest Hits collection of my favorite silly ideas.

Once compiled, I then went through them again to whittle down what I had in hopes of distilling the truly okay from the largely awful. Then I began re-writing some of the chosen, attempting to develop them into something that could be spoken aloud to elicit a desired response. I even had the hubris to think I could string 2 or 3 together and expand on them, creating a legitimate “bit” and perhaps finally pushing myself into an open mic somewhere.

Unfortunately, after all this work, I noticed my stuff was fucking terrible! I am a tremendous hack!

Maybe my taste in comedy had evolved or perhaps I had subconsciously noticed those around me had progressed so far beyond what I’m capable of that I’m embarrassed to allow my pedestrian nonsense in the same proximity. Or maybe I’m just finally sober and seeing clearly that my stuff just isn’t very good.

Whatever the reason, I’m done. I can’t do it anymore. My brain has atrophied. I don’t get those “flashes of genius” like I used to. When I do, it’s usually something I already thought up months or even years ago. In the worst cases, it’s something I didn’t even think up in the first place!

And that is dangerous. I despise plagiarism, but it can happen unconsciously. Something pops in my head and I think “Oh, that’s good!” so I tweet it out. Then later I think “That was a little too good. Certainly too good for me to have thought of it.” So I google the phrase, and sure enough: that genius tweet you just sent was sent 4 months ago by the brilliant Kumail Nanjiani. Whom you adore. Whom you’ve just unwittingly stolen from. Then I get depressed.

Anyway… the point of this blog is to expunge all the extra crap I saved up but never used!! HA HA! You thought this might be possibly worth reading? Think again!

See, from time to time, I’d have a thought and would jot it down or record a short voice memo and never do anything more with it. These were never even tweeted! Never even considered for tweeting! This is the shit that never ever made it to the Big Show! (Some of them were. – Ed.)

Still, though this is rough shale, I need to document it someplace besides my desktop/iPhone where perhaps I can come back to it later and examine it. Maybe even polish some of it up as I roll along. Basically, I want to delete the files off my computer.

Hopefully this purge reignites my desire to write. Or at least cleans out the closet so I can clutter it all over again. I have also added commentary to much of what follows, because I think what I think about what I think must be important to you.

Okay. Last chance to bail. Here’s where it all fades to stupid…

THIS IS WHERE THEY FOUND THE BODY

A priest, a lawer, a rabbi, a black guy, a pollock, a woman, a parrot, a dog, a cat and a monkey walk into a.. walk into a.. Ah, shit. What do they walk into?
– This was an idea for a newly hackneyed take on an old hack joke. The idea is you forget the setup because you’ve listed too many walkers. The alternative (i.e. superior) idea for this bit is to keep listing walkers until the crowd boos you.

Find a friend – if you’re a guy find a girl, if a girl find a guy – or maybe even go with the same-sex if you really wanna make the squares uncomfortable – go into a crowded fancy restaurant – get (or act like you’re getting) completely hammered – propose marriage – your betrothed accepts – freak out – have the fellow patrons clap and congratulate you – order drinks – get hammered – then do it all over again, as if you forgot doing it the first time.
– This wasn’t necessarily going to be anything, just an idea for a prank.

When I’m walking down the sidewalk and I see someone coming towards me, I get nervous because I’m not sure how I’m supposed to interact with them. I don’t want to look at them. Don’t want to meet their gaze. It’s just something that makes me uncomfortable. Like, what are you supposed to do? Generally I’ll just stare straight ahead or look at the ground or pretend to look over my shoulder or down the road for a bus. Basically I look everywhere except at the person.

Well, the other day I decided enough was enough. Social anxiety disorder be damned! I was going to go for a walk and purposely meet the gaze of everyone who came walking toward me. I might even smile and nod! I might even say a soft “Hello.” So I did. And you know what people do when you attemp to meet their gaze and smile and nod or even say hello to them on the sidewalk? They stare straight ahead or they look at the ground or they pretend to look over their shoulder or look down the road for a bus. They basically look anywhere exept at you.
– I like the structure of this simple, long-form joke I wrote while walking that happens to be about a problem I really have.

Guys: instead of carrying a Man-Purse around just carry an expensive-looking ladies purse. This way people will think you think you have a wife instead of.. you know.. AIDS.
– This one is a bit too harsh. I still like it, but understand that we’re well past the days when “gay” was a biting punchline.

Yesterday I experimented with a batch of peanut butter cookies, mixing a bag of peanut butter M&Ms into the dough. Then the Archangel Michael appeared to me and said “You got nothing to worry about, pal.”
– I had a similar tweet about cooking where an added ingredient made the dish so remarkable I was awarded the Nobel Prize.

Nobody ever says I wanna be a junkie when I grow up. They say it later, upon the realization that becoming a junkie would have been preferable to adulthood..
– Don’t remember if I tweeted this or not. I think it was too long or just didn’t have the phrasing right at the time.

I don’t know if I just saw the First Robin of Spring or not, but he certainly fucking thought he was!
– Think I did tweet this one a couple times but never got the wording right.

I miss Kindergarten. You got to sit and listen to stories. You got to sing songs and hold hands. Heck, you even got a snack! Oh wait, I’m thinking of Church..
– A version this ended up as a FB status, unsure if I ever tweeted it. I like it. It’s simple, but it’s also kinda hack. Which is likely why I like it.

The reason I never give money to homeless people is because once they make it, they just become assholes. Look at Rob Thomas..
– Rob Thomas is probably not an asshole, but he used to be homeless. Add that to the old adage that money changes people for the worse, and you get this joke. Plus, I really do hate the homeless. Not the legitimate homeless who got a raw deal and can’t catch a break, mind you, but the career-homeless: the ones who have no problem shouting you down until you relent, only to have them ask you for money and then get pissed when you don’t give them enough. They should be fed to an angry Volcano God who will then erupt, irate that He was fed fake people.

While reading a book the other day, I wondered what time it was. So I looked to the upper corner of the book and thought “Where’s the clock?” I need to stop using the internet so much.
–  Unfunny, but a genuine premise based on something that really happened. I usually have my phone or a laptop, so I’m able to check the time. Turns out, paper books don’t feature this option.

IDEA: Do a set of observational comedy deconstructing the annoying aspects of observational comedy.
– I’m certain this is not a new idea, but like the premise. Too bad I’m too inexperienced to put it to paper.

Don’t you love how conservative talking heads have turned the word “progressive” into a negative? They’re basically saying “We are against progress! We mustn’t let progress progress!”
– Decent premise probably done a million times over by self-respecting hacks.

That day was one for the books! Specifically, the book of days I’d rather not remember. Making the journal’s entire existence unnecessary.
– I do remember tweeting this one, but why not have at least something good here?

What are the odds the Catholic Church smears innocent whistle-blowing priests as child molesters to discredit them?
– There’s something there.. I had a follow-up claiming a rogue group of priests discovered this conspiracy and called the Church’s bluff by actually molesting some kids so the Church would have nothing on them. Then the public found out and it blew up in all their faces. Silly, but too complex.

I didn’t think 12 Years a Slave was a bad movie, I just didn’t think it was a great movie. It’s somehow getting universal acclaim despite not being that good. It’s unevenly acted – a handful of strong performances mixed with a bunch of awful ones. Pacing is an issue: It’s supposed to take place over the course of twelve years, but aside from the title, there’s little to inform you of that. It feels like it could have taken place over the course to a year or two at most. There’s a lot wrong with it. Not to mention it’s nothing but cameo after cameo of huge stars plus Brad Pitt, the film’s producer, gave himself a plum role in the film’s messiah. Literally. He plays a Canadian carpenter who doesn’t believe in slavery and ends up getting Solomon freed. Le sigh.. I think it bizarre it’s getting such glowing reviews when it’s obviously not that great of a movie. It’s quite ironic that critics are afraid to give a movie about SLAVERY a bad review for fear of being branded racist.
– Short review of 12 years a slave – obviously not a joke, but it was in the wordfile – I didn’t flesh out completely. Still feel the same about it. Oddly, I saw this move 3 times. Once at a small theater in town, once at home and again at a larger theater. The last time I saw it a dudebrah frat boy and his anorexic blonde girlfriend were walking in front of me to the exit when she burst into tears and fell against the wall sobbing. I guess it was an effective movie to some, just not me. I also think that awful cunt wanted people to see her so overcome with emotion, but that’s probably because I have zero faith in people. And I’m right.

Juggalos are bad, but Jockalos are worse / There’s nothing more frightening that a Mall Security Guard in peak physical condition.
– There was something to both of these and feel I’ve used them before individually, but perhaps I was trying to tie them together?

You need to find that special someone who will take a Rufie for you. So you can drag her semi-conscious body around the bar while people try to stop you and call the cops because you both find that kinda thing hilarious!
– Ah, the perfect woman. A funny premise, just too long to tweet. Also, Bill Cosby has put a real damper on Rufie-based humor.

You never see any albino porn. Who would watch it? There’s nothing more frustrating in porn than making it to the end and there being no money shot, if you’re a completist. It would disappear into the camouflage, or in this case, cum-o-flage, of the receiver’s skin color. Also it would just look like the guy’s dick was melting.
– Attempt at blue humor that was just unfunny and gross. I do like the term cum-o-flage though.

If I ever had a baby, I’d do so old school: Pacing back and forth in the waiting room, nervously smoking a pipe. It’d be easier on me. Especially when they tell me my wife died during childbirth, so I can just say “What are you talking about? I don’t have a wife..” before running out the nearest exit.
– I like this one. Forgot about it. Might be a bit too hack, but whatevs.

I was never properly trained to fight, but I did skim through a Judo book once in junior high. So watch it or I will Figure 1. and Figure 2. you into the boards!
– Too specific.

One thing Peter Parker couldn’t do that a spider can is feed himself.
– Doesn’t really work, as the song says Spider-Man does whatever a spider can. Peter Parker wasn’t doing jack shit.

There’s this early 90’s Jeep Cherokee that’s always parked near my building. It’s filthy dirty. It has several dents. One bumper sits higher than the other. The fog lights are bent etc. The one thing it has going for it is the sweet Jurassic Park logos on either door. So they’re goofing around saying “Ha, yeah it was in the movie!”And I have to wonder: did they do that so they didn’t have to fix it up?
– I like it but was too long for a tweet. Plus, Twitter didn’t exist in 1993.

You know those family member decals you see on the rear window of SUVs sometimes? I just saw one that was just a dad and a little girl. And I thought: I didn’t know they made those for pedophiles.
– Think it works, but I have entirely too much pedomaterial.

There’s a weirdness to the whole being grown up thing where you don’t have to eat the crust on your pizza or you don’t have to eat the crust on your PB&J sandwich and you realize you’re not only eating like you did when you were 5 but you’re eating the same things you ate when you were five.
– There’s something there. Hack for sure. Looking at it now, I think the humor is, being an adult, you actually force yourself to eat the crusts because of money. I don’t know.

I’m not talking to myself. I’m talking to your dead grandmother. She wants me to tell you she’s very upset with you for making fun of people who talk to themselves!
– Hack, but would probably work since people actually believe in psychics.

People wouldn’t have been so horrified over that man raping that pit bull if the dog had been mauling a little kid at the same time.
– The odds of anyone remembering that story is practically nill. Timeliness is next to relatable-ness.

Shoot porno starring male American adult film star Paul Revere opposite the best female English porn stars called “The British Are Coming” #ThousandDollarIdea
– This is humorous, but also doable. I use a couple hashtags for intentionally awful ideas. #ThousandDollarIdea is for ones that would probably work, but wouldn’t be profitable enough to be worth the trouble. #BillionDollarIdea is another – more on that later.

Unified Field Theory means very different things to a physicist and a migrant worker.
– Dumb one-liner that isn’t very funny. Would probably work at a hometown show..

Bacon flavored beer called HogWash #BillionDollarIdea
– A prime example of how I use the #BillionDollarIdea hashtag. Despite being silly, this isn’t a bad idea. So good, in fact, I’m sure (read as: arrogantly paranoid enough to believe) someone will steal it. You owe me money!!

There’s fewer “Come to Jesus moments” going on in a church than you’d imagine. “Come FOR Jesus moments” however…
– Stupid gross and hacky. Which means I must love it.

Hump Day jokes are always bad; worse if you’re a camel.
– I find this chuckle-worthy. Which is why I work back-breaking physical labor.

Part of my job has us destroying expired and recalled beer. We are legally required to have all the doors closed while we do this. The reason they give is, since it’s alcohol, it has to be dealt with away from the public, lest anyone underage were to become present accidentally. My theory is it’s to prevent the zombie-like masses of hobos from attacking us whilst shouting “Grains! Grains! Fermented grains!”
– I think I did tweet a much shorter version of this. I like a good Zombie Joke, but how many people would get the “Return..” reference today?

Every single thing on earth dies alone. Except conjoined twins.
– Think I used this as a FB status once?

Is there a Japanese S.O.D. tribute band and is their first album titled “Speak Engrish or Die”?
– Way too specific. Billy Milano is a hilarious, racist man.

“Judas is My Co-Pilot” bumper sticker #ThousandDollarIdea
– Anti-religious novelties area  passion of mine. If I had the money, I’d actually make this shit. #BillionDollarIdea hashtag would work here too. If you steal this idea, I want 50%.

My Magic 8 Ball told me that Ouija boards are bullshit.
– Toy Wars!! Decent one-liner. Could have been expanded upon.

Religion is therapy for poor people. Which means it’s free and it doesn’t work.
– Something there.. Never quite got there.

The worst thing about being a child of the 80s/90s was being turned down by girls who thought Pauly Shore was hot.
– Setup, no punch. I’m sure this would still happen too.

When a fast food place features a new item and you say “I’d like to try..” I’m glad they understand you want to buy one and not just take a bite from the communal Cheeto Burrito.
– I like this one, but it’s aged-out unless the Cheeto Burrito makes a comeback!

I feel bad for the anyone trapped in an elevator with Uri Gellar when the spoons come..
– Very specific, but I fucking love this one. Absurd, ominous and bashes Uri Gellar in one go! I probably have tweeted it at some point.

Country Music’s alright, but it’s got nothing on City Music!
– This is the kind of thing I use the #hackorama hashtag for. Most of my stuff is painfully hack. Even more painful, I find a lot of that stuff hysterical. I love it so.

If you ask me, a fetus isn’t a person until it’s old enough to carry a rifle and die for the Owl God Moloch! #Republicant
– I use the #Republicant hashtag when making light of right-wing politics – which is so profoundly easy I try not to if I can help it. But we are on the eve of an election year..

My wife said to me the other day (in an effeminite voice) “We should do something about those drapes.” to which I replied “Why do you sound like a gay version of me?”
– Hack-o-rama indeed! I’m not married and am not out to offend the gays, so this is another small town bar joke at best.

I’d only have kids with someone who wants them less than I do..
– Baseless absurd humor is my one true love. This is my mantra when a girl asks “Do you want to have kids?” and it usually gets a chuckle, which is great because it makes zero sense.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth unless you want an eye full of glitter..
– Don’t think I ever used this but I really like it! I use the #amendedquotes hashtag for stuff like this.

Ever notice how in those Before & After Meth pictures the “Before” picture is never a fat person? #conspiracytheory
– I like this one too!! THEY don’t want you knowing about the positives of that horrible, horrible drug!

The easiest way to overcome the fear of death is to have nothing to live for. #lifehacks
– Depressive and self-serving. Oh woe is me.

Denial isn’t just the way black people refer to that river in Egypt, it’s also a real psychological condition.
– Ugh. This sounds like an Adam Carolla “joke” – someone I’ve really come to dislike.

I’m not in favor of eugenics, but if the people behind Faygo were to, say, slip a chemical into their product that made Juggalos sterile..
– The more Juggalo hate, the better. What a truly useless group of people. The base for this is obviously the old KFC sterility conspiracy theory.

#BillionDollarIdea Double Large shirts! (LL) A size between Large and Extra Large – helps people think they’re not as fat as they are.
– This could really work! $$$

Whoever ACTUALLY wins the Internet better be really into Tranny Porn.
– Because there’s a lot of it! This is great. Please be offended.

Don’t set the bar too high and you’ll never be disappointed. For instance, if your goal is to someday be worm food, you’re in luck!
– Sound advice.

If I were a doctor I’d be super fucking psyched considering I never even went to college.
– This one cracked me up, so I probably didn’t write it. :eyerollemoji:

How often, in years, are you supposed to clean a George Forman grill? Mine looks like that bathtub from the end of Silence of the Lambs.
– Love it. Was a FB status/never tweeted.

If archaeologists found the Ark of the Covenant and it was actually just full of Gummy Bears, I’d be okay with it. I think we all would.
– I love this too! What’s happening? Why didn’t I use these??

We rag on them all the time, but the truth is Creationists are not stupid people. They’re just dumber than you or me.
– Rimshot! Another easy one.

I don’t mean to boast, but if there’s one virtue I possess that most people do not, it’s humility..
– Love this despite it’s hackiness. Unsure if this was ever tweeted.

#FunFact Sir Mix-a-Lot is an actual knight!
– I used the #FunFact hashtag a lot – of course they were never facts, just funs.

A lot of people will argue over which Universal Monster gave the most convincing performance: Was it Lugosi in Dracula or Karloff in Frankenstein? Or even Lon Cheney Jr. in the Wolf Man? If you ask me, the answer is obviously Claude Raines as The Invisible Man. He made himself INVISIBLE for Christ’s sake!
– Silliness. Just another variation on a go-to premise, but I love the absurdity.

Comedy Central commercial: From the makers of “That’s My Bush!” comes “Oh, Bama!”
– Aged the fuck out. When did I even write this? 2008??

If you say you work graveyards, that usually means you work the overnight shift. Or it could mean you’re a very unsuccessful prostitute..
– Crash boom bang! This isn’t bad, just supremely hacky.

I often daydream about having delusions of grandeur..
– Used on FB once, but think the wording might have been different.

On my way to work the other day I was thinking “I need to finish the next chapter in a philosophy book I’m reading” but I couldn’t remember if the chapter was titled “Morality” or “Ethics”. Turns out it’s “Politics”, so.. neither of those things.
– I used to read philosophy! Can’t get hackier than that..

Art Collage Idea: Zepplin 2 cover art – replace the faceless military folks around them with the angry faces of all the old blues men they stole their music from
– I fucking love this one. Would make a great Photoshop if one had the talent.

I get nervous when people ask me to hold their baby. I’d at least like to get a couple drinks in me first.
– I guess the drinks would steady my hands? Don’t know what the fuck this was supposed to be.

“I am my father’s son!” – Dr. Obvious, world’s laziest geneologist
– I think I’ve used this somewhere before.

Naming your daughter “Virginity” may not seem funny now, but just wait until she gets kidnapped..
– Decent hack one-liner about a horrible possible event.

“Let them eat cock!” – Marie Antwatnette, porn queen
– This is why I gave up. This was the zenith of my creativity.

Pre-Columbian North America: Grasslands, Buffalos, Casinos as far as the eye can see.. Now look at it! – I like the idea that Indians had way more casinos before the white man came.

I wonder how many of those kids from the AppleJacks commercials have diabetes now? #weeatwhatwelike
– “We Eat What We Like!” is a dangerous slogan for a sugary kids cereal. So is marketing a cereal as healthy simply by putting apples in the name. Oh well. What matters is the higher-ups at Kellogg’s continue to make record profits.

The Muslim world doesn’t have the same hangups about naming their children after their messiah as Christian’s do, but they do have a problem with making graven images, whilst the Christians do not.
– I think I had rumblings of a good point here. Where a Catholic might find naming a child Jesus is prideful (and therefor a sin), Muslims are all named Muhammed, yet drawing a picture of the prophet is punishable by death? We don’t have to respect religions that don’t respect us – and by us I mean human beings, not the religious. Removing someone’s natural rights because your jihad requires it is not respectable. As it happens, some religions are more peaceful than others. Maybe it’s just a time thing. Christianity was pretty goddamn bloody during the Inquisition. Islam is still a few hundred years behind the times. They need their own Reformation if they want to survive. But I’m not here to bag on specific religions. I believe the best course of action is to abolish all faiths and make studying philosophy a requirement. But what do I know..

Ray Rice claims the elevator tape was edited? Is Speilberg a fucking Browns fan or sumpthin?? #chippa
– Sometimes I hashtag a tweet with #chippa. The reason for this is probably lost on many. Lyle “Chip” Chipperson is an alter ego of comic/radio host Jim Norton – one of the quickest wits of our time. On the Opie & Anthony show, Chip (or Chippa as he is also known) is Jim’s outlet for terrible hack material delivered under the guise of an annoying character. Which is fucking genius and only makes it funnier. So when I think of a terribly cheesy line, I imagine Chippa saying it and hashtag it thusly. Chippa always tags his shit with “…or something?” but he emphasizes it as “suMPthin” so I spell it as such.

Yeast are the Concentration Camp Victims of the Animal Kingdom. They work and work and work to build something and then it’s into the oven!
– Zing! If you spell “zing” d-u-m-b.

There’s a lot of speculation about why Solange attacked Jay-Z in that elevator, but if I had to wager a guess, I’d say it’s because she be trippin’.
– I love the dryness of this, but it is aged-out by now.

I give no quarter to the homeless. In every interpretation of that phrase.
– I had a bum yelling at me this morning in my own goddamn parking lot! “Sir!! Hey!! HEY!!! No, behind you!! Hey!! Can I ask you a question??” I did my best to ignore him, then finally turned around and said “I don’t want to talk to you.” He replies “Oh.. Okay have a good day. God bless. Motherfucker!” And that’s why I no longer help these humps.

Albums that don’t exist but should: “Yo Yo Ma Live at Yo Mama’s House” #dejatweet
– #dejatweet is a hashtag I use when I tweet something I swear I’ve tweeted before

BucketList: Spearhead new musical movement called “Drab” which proves to be the most uninteresting music possible. #BillionDollarIdea
– This has potential. If Ridley Scott ever makes that Blade Runner sequel, the music of the future will be Drab.

If you really want to see your tax dollars at work, you should use them to buy slaves..
– This might have worked prior to the 1860’s.

Nobody hates politics more than politicians. Except maybe cats. They hate everything.
– Dumb cat joke. Nothing to see here, folks.

No one on the high seas was less feared than the dread hipster pirate Neckbeard!
– I like this, although I’m sure I’m not the first (or the last) to think of it.

“I guess I’m more of a dog person.” said the half-man/half-canine mutant
– This never worked, but I get a kick out of it.

Did Spiderman ever have a sidekick named Fly Boy? And was his nemesis The Swatter?
– I could have written for Marvel in the ’60s

How many Indian Casinos were purposely built on Indian Burial Grounds just to ensure everyone there had bad luck?
– This could be reworked as a #FunFact. I love Indian stuff. Dummies may find it racially insensitive, I just think it’s good irony.

Do they still have Piggly Wiggly’s down south? The supermarket, not the sexual position.
– Limitless interpretations. Do Southerners fuck pigs? Fuck like pigs? Is it a fat joke? I don’t know, but it made me chuckle.

There’s probably sadder things than going to Pizza Ranch by yourself. Like taking your entire family to Pizza Ranch to celebrate a big promotion you got at Pizza Ranch.
– Repeating funny words is always good. And if there’s a funnier term in the English language than “Pizza Ranch” I don’t know about it.

Wait.. was “Little. Yellow. Different.” the Nuprin slogan or how Marco Polo described the Chinese? #possiblyracist
– Derp! I don’t use the #possiblyracist hashtag much since even (attempted) humor that might be misinterpreted as racial will now cause you to lose your job and be branded a pariah. But if you find this offensive, you’re a dum-dum.

#FunFact The amount of psychics claiming to have predicted 9/11 went up drastically after 9/11.
– I probably tweeted this. Seems like something I’d do.

IDEA: African-America gay dating site BlackPeopleMeat.com! Slogan: “Helping a Brother Out”
– I write for Robin Williams in the 70’s. Fun fact: BlackPeopleMeat.com will indeed reroute you to BlackPeopleMeet.com. So they saw that one coming.

My dad might be a racist Vietnam vet, but his favorite porno is titled “Slippery Slopes”, which I think is progressive.
– I never got the wording right for this one and it’s probably too harsh in this climate anyways.

Jesus Fish decals that just says “Fish” in it. #BillionDollarIdea
– More like #ThousandDollarIdea, but sometimes the hubris is funnier than the premise.

#FunFact Chris Hardwicke’s use of the term “Nerdist” actually means he’s racist against nerds.
– No joke. I truly believe this.

You can eat a bullet, but you can’t really enjoy it. Much like fruitcake.
– This is perfect hack comedy. Whatever that means..

Oprah’s magazine is now sold in a plastic bag, ensuring it protects the public from what’s inside it.
– Just like porn! There’s a reason this one was shelved.

Of course there’s such a thing as White Privilage. What do you think we feel White Guilt about?
– I like this as a premise, but would need to build on it a lot to make it worth a damn.

Remember in the early ’90s when the Simpsons were absurdly popular and the characters would make public appearances and it would just be a person in a costume with a big plastic head and all they’d say was the character’s tired catchphrases? That was still funnier than this current season of The Simpsons.
– we close on an evergreen Simpsons joke!

ASSESSMENT

So there we have it. All the shit unfit to print. Reading through it again didn’t inspire me much, although I think there’s a handful of decent lines hidden throughout.

See, it’s always been a volume game for me. I write and write and write, then go back and cherry pick the passable stuff. This list is not the result of that method, however. This is the raw mess in toto.

It’s getting late here. I’m going to catch up on my Art Bell podcasts and go get some Taco Bell. Saturday nights like these don’t just plan themselves, people..

Ugh.. I hate myself.

Have a good rest of your Summer. I love you.

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